My resignation from the LDS church is in the mail and reads...
This letter is my formal resignation from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and it is effective immediately. I hereby withdraw my consent to being treated as a member and I withdraw my consent to being subject to church rules, policies, beliefs and 'discipline'. As I am no longer a member, I want my name permanently and completely removed from the membership rolls of the church.
I have given this matter considerable thought. I understand what you consider the 'seriousness' and the 'consequences' of my actions. I am aware that the church handbook says that my resignation "cancels the effects of baptism and confirmation and revokes temple blessings" I also understand that I will be "readmitted to the church by baptism only after a thorough interview". (Quotes from the current Church Handbook of Instructions.)
My resignation should be processed immediately, without any 'waiting periods'. I am not going to be dissuaded and I am not going to change my mind.
I expect this matter to be handled promptly, with respect and with full confidentiality.
After today, the only contact I want from the church is a single letter of confirmation to let me know that I am no longer listed as a member of the church.
Thank you for letting me out of this hell:)

What a joy it was skipping to the mailbox:)

I don't have any real coffee
naked, goddess, beauty
I just removed myself from my fun tasks:Re-fabricating my chair,finishing the "Firefly" ray gun, DOLLHOUSE! (wore out an industrial block already) My creative is back!!!

M bought me a plant... his name is Eckhart... or Tolle (pronounced Toll-lee) Can you guess where I got the idea?

Must read:

Life of Pi
New Earth

Must put Yoga into my daily regime. (dvd's travel)

Must start posting songs and pics and enjoying my gosh darn journal!

In respects to MLK day.

A month and day later
depressed, manic depression, sad, split in two, Bipolar
I am happy.
I am learning to feel comfortable in my "roost."
Things got tough, but I took a turn for the better. Not letting the past nor the future destroy my life but live in the now. The cosmos decided to place me here so here I am.

Future posts
depressed, manic depression, sad, split in two, Bipolar
What happened to my siblings all those years ago: new found information.

Inherited violence

The Power of Now-Eckart Tolle


Words to my mother

Words to my father

Noticed that when not on mood stabilizer I am no longer rapid cycling, tho my cycles are severe. (will be interesting to see what happens on Nerontine and see if there is evidence for the corrilation)

-last 3 days have been brilliant. I CAN be happy.

Notice. I felt this way a month ago.

Personal Bill Of Rights
depressed, manic depression, sad, split in two, Bipolar
1. I have numerous choices in my life beyond mere survival.

2. I have a right to discover and know my child within.

3. I have a right to grieve over what I didn't get that I needed or what I got that I didn't need or want.

4. I have a right to follow my own values and standards.

5. I have a right to recognize and accept my own value system as appropriate.

6. I have a right to say No to anything when I feel I am not ready, it is unsafe or violates my values.

7. I have a right to dignity and respect.

8. I have a right to make decisions.

9. I have a right to determine and honor my own priorities.

10. I have the right to have my needs and wants respected by others.

11. I have the right to terminate conversations with people who make me feel put down or humiliated.

12. I have the right to not be responsible for others behavior, actions, feelings, or problems.

13. I have a right to make mistakes and not have to be perfect.

14. I have a right to expect honesty from others.

15. I have a right to all of my feelings.

16. I have a right to be angry at someone I love.

17. I have a right to be uniquely me, without feeling I'm not good enough.

18. I have a right to feel scared and to say "I'm afraid".

19. I have the right to experience and then let go of fear, guilt and shame.

20. I have a right to make decisions based on my feelings, my judgement, or any reason that I choose.

21. I have a right to change my mind at any time.

22. I have the right to be happy.

23. I have a right to stability -- i.e., "roots" and stable healthy relationships of my choice.

24. I have the right to my own personal space and time needs.

25. There is no need to smile when I cry.

26. It is OK to be relaxed, playful and frivolous.

27. I have the right to be flexible and be comfortable with doing so.

28. I have the right to change and grow.

29. I have the right to be open to improve communication skills so that I may be understood.

30. I have a right to make friends and be comfortable around them.

31. I have a right to be in a non-abusive environment.

32. I can be healthier than those around me.

33. I can take care of myself, no matter what.

34. I have the right to grieve over actual or threatened losses.

35. I have the right to trust others who earn my trust.

36. I have the right to forgive others and to forgive myself.

37. I have the right to give and to receive unconditional love.

** In addition:

The Assertive Bill Of Rights

· The right to be treated with respect
· The right to have and express my own feelings and opinions
· The right to be listened to seriously
· The right to set my own priorities
· The right to say No without feeling guilty
· The right to ask, knowing that others have the right to refuse
· The right to get what I pay for
· The right to make mistakes
· The right to choose not to assert myself

No case at all
naked, goddess, beauty
I have been in Couv for a couple of days now. My Big bro N invited me to see my neice in "Fiddler." (love that show) I had to say yes and felt stable enough for a night...well a night turned into two days and now I sit at the computer at N's home and can truthfully say that I feel ok.
Don't get me wrong I have been crying all day on and off. Watching Kaia play a "Wise Person" in her Uof U pageant. Even recorded it the second time round. Made me smile and giggle... both things I appreciate.
There ARE moments!

...oy vei

taking Neurontin 100 3 times a day.

Side effects?....possibly libido? Wouldn't that just be ironic?

Writer's Block: Friends for a Day
depressed, manic depression, sad, split in two, Bipolar
If you could hang out with any movie character for a day, whom would you choose as your sidekick?

My sidekick would most definatly be Nathan Fillion! I need somebody who's gonna doom my gloom;)

teeter totter
tree, hand
I am barely holding on...

M picked me up the other night. I decided that I wanted to get funky (feel better) so I had a couple of glasses of wine(which I was told by my Dr. was ok) It wasn't even how I was acting that tipped him was my breath. I wasn't even doing anything to hide it, really I didn't think he would mind. (I kinda thought he liked me a little "buzzed") So I guess I was getting mixed signals about how he felt about me and alchy.

The next day he woke me up with an early phone call and paniced messages about going to my shrinks or else... so he picked me up. I felt like I was going to have a heart attack!

So M and I talked to the "Loonie" Doc. The only thing she and I came up with was one I have been on before. One M's mother took for neurological pain.

Then my brother calls up and asks me to go see my niece in "Fiddler on the Roof"... only he's not going. Sat. he wanted me to babysit...which is fine. I love my neices and nephews.

Michael got upset(rightly) about me getting on the nerontine NOW or else all we did was in vain. His heavy words caused me to panic! I wrote my brother called Don, talked to my dad... then came here.
Last I heard from him is

me:"if you don't have anything nice to say don't talk to me."



WEB MD talks about me
depressed, manic depression, sad, split in two, Bipolar
Rapid Cycling Bipolar Disorder

Rapid cycling is a pattern of symptoms in bipolar disorder. In rapid cycling, a person with bipolar disorder experiences four or more episodes of mania or depression in one year.

Understanding Bipolar Disorder

Who Gets Rapid Cycling Bipolar Disorder?
Virtually anyone can develop rapid cycling bipolar disorder. About 2.5% of the U.S. population suffers from some form of bipolar disorder -- almost six million people. (I did, did)

About 10% to 20% of people with bipolar disorder have rapid cycling. People with bipolar II disorder are more likely to experience rapid cycling.

Most people are in their late teens(12) or early 20s when symptoms first start. Nearly everyone with bipolar II disorder develops it before age 50. People with an immediate family member with bipolar disorder are at higher risk.

What Are the Markers of Bipolar Disorder?
The major markers of bipolar disorder include:

At least one episode of mania in the patient's lifetime.(there is NO way I can count mine)
Episodes of depression [major depressive disorder], which are often recurrent. (mhm)
Mania is a period of abnormally elevated mood, usually accompanied by erratic behavior lasting at least seven days at a time. Hypomania is an elevated mood not reaching full-on mania. The usual duration is four to seven days.

A few people with rapid cycling bipolar disorder alternate between periods of hypomania and major depressive disorder. Far more commonly, though, depression dominates the picture. Repeated periods of depression are punctuated by infrequent, shorter periods of elevated mood.

How Is Rapid Cycling Bipolar Disorder Diagnosed?
Bipolar disorder is diagnosed after someone experiences a hypomanic or manic episode. Rapid cycling bipolar disorder is diagnosed after four episodes of depression, mania, or hypomania occur within one year.

Rapid cycling bipolar disorder can be difficult to diagnose. Rapid cycling may seem to make bipolar disorder more obvious, but because most people with rapid cycling bipolar disorder spend far more time depressed than manic or hypomanic, they are often misdiagnosed with "just" depression.

For example, in one study of people with bipolar II disorder, the amount of time spent depressed was more than 35 times the amount of time spent hypomanic. Also, people often don't take note of their own hypomanic symptoms, mistaking them for a period of unusually good mood.

How Is Rapid Cycling Bipolar Disorder Treated?

Because symptoms of depression dominate in most people with rapid cycling bipolar disorder, treatment is usually aimed toward relieving depression.

Antidepressants such as Prozac, Paxil, and Zoloft can reduce depression in rapid cycling bipolar disorder. However, taking antidepressants alone can actually increase the degree of rapid cycling, and also trigger manic episodes.

For this reason, mood stabilizers must be taken with antidepressants. Mood stabilizers include antiseizure medicines (like Depakote or Tegretol (ICK), and antipsychotics, such as Zyprexa. Lithium is specifically not indicated in rapid cycling bipolar disorder.

Mood stabilizers are also the treatment for manic or hypomanic symptoms.

Treatment with mood stabilizers is usually continued even when a person is symptom-free. This helps prevent rapid cycling. Antidepressants are generally tapered as soon as depression is under control. Many people need to take two or more medicines daily to control rapid cycling bipolar disorder.

What Are the Risks of Rapid Cycling Bipolar Disorder?
The most serious risk of rapid cycling bipolar disorder is suicide. People with bipolar disorder are 10 to 20 times more likely to commit suicide than people without bipolar disorder. Tragically, 8% to 20% of people with bipolar disorder eventually lose their lives to suicide.

People with rapid cycling bipolar disorder are probably at even higher risk for suicide than those with "regular" bipolar disorder. They are hospitalized more often, and their symptoms are usually more difficult to control long term.

Treatment reduces the likelihood of serious depression and suicide. Lithium in particular, taken long term, reduces the risk.

People with bipolar disorder are also at higher risk for substance abuse. Nearly 60% of people with bipolar disorder abuse drugs or alcohol. Substance abuse is associated with more severe or poorly controlled bipolar disorder.
Tags: ,

girl, flower, eyes
"In the psychological phenomenon known as "synesthesia," individuals' sensory systems are a bit more intertwined than usual. Some people, for example, report seeing colors when musical notes are played."

My experience has been certain shapes makeing shril or electrical noises. Some turning color. But mostly when I am in the most dire stress. It's back. It followed me in my childhood, disappeared then reoccured during my marriage with honeycomb, or else patterned dots. They put me in a panic.

I feel it returning. Shapes, words and numbers become more prevalent than others.

I don't think this has anything to do with my 2 year "digital dancing numbers" issue.

Anyway....smell, sound, senses are heightened.


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